Can't believe how long it has been since I have been on here. For a while my priorities changed. My life seemed to go in a different direction. We have big plans in the works, but no baby news. Unfortunately that is still on hold - at least for another month.
Sadly, in today's headlines, there was an article that stated that infertile woman who want to have children are more likely to become alcoholics or have a mental disorder. It hurts to hear such news, but knowing what those of us go through I'll admit it is very probable.
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/women-suffer-infertility-more-likely-become-alcoholics-study-194200404.html
It seems everyone around me is having babies right now. An old friend of mine that I can only keep up with on her blog just had a baby girl, two woman at work (one baby boy born yesterday), our good friends J&M and our new lovely neighbors are both 6 1/2 months pregnant. We are surrounded and I actually don't mind it. Yes, I am a bit envious. But at the same time I have to remember that God has a plan for me and a baby might not be in my future. I might be chosen to do something as equally great or maybe even better.
In fact, I think I am already doing wonderful things in this world. I can look back and see how many lives I have either saved or helped save over my years on this Earth. I don't know if I have saved any human lives by my actions, but I sure have saved a lot of dogs, cats, turtles, birds, mice, etc. I am hoping to take that into my future and continue to build on it. I have way too much emotion and I can at least channel it into something good.
I am happy to say I am fortunate that I will not be an alcoholic or end up in the luney bin. Yes, I can have anxiety every now and then but who doesn't?! My heart truly goes out to those that suffer over not having a child. I hope they can find that one thing that is greater than that.
So now let me catch you up on the life that is Lellock. We moved into the rental house in Missouri City and didn't last 5 months there. Long story that is now a legal matter and will catch you up when all is said and done. So...we purchased our first house together. It is a great house and big enough for a huge family. So what does Kirk want to do - fill it up with puppies!!! Enter new addition to our family - Kirby- Catahoula Mix. He is a rescue pup from the pound. He was 10 weeks old when we got him and he will be about 70 pounds full grown. Kirby is no doubt the smartest dog I have ever seen. He had Kirk wrapped around his little paw on day 1. It took Bailey a while to warm up to having another boy dog in the house, but now they play constantly. Sadie on the other hand literally thought it was the end of the world. She was so depressed for about a month. She now tolerates him, but God forbid she gives him the time of day. And of course that makes baby Kirby all the more interested in her. I think we will have a never ending battle on that front.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
For November
Kirk and I are moving forward and making plans for this coming year. I think I may write in my blog about it but won't be so open with family and friends this time. I did not realize how hard it would be everytime someone asked how it was going and had to tell them "it didn't go."
Right now we are focused on moving out of the apartment and into a new house. That nice house we picked out in Sugar Land ended up not being so nice. The owners had smoked in it and it permiated everything. I also found mold in the bathroom. It looked like black mold, but you can never really tell unless you have it tested. And it could have been easily cleaned up. I asked for the house to be professionally cleaned to get rid of the smoke and mold. Well, they must have decided I was too much of a pain and rented to someone else instead. Of course this was after we had signed the lease, but since the owner had not signed there was nothing legal we could do. I did tell them that no matter who rents the house - they will have to clean it by law since it could be hazardous. Oh well. Not our problem. The realtor did not even try to help us find a new place. I think she was intimidated by Kirks tattoos. Hahahaha
So, we set our sites on another house. Our friend found it for us. It is close to where they live so we will at least know people in the neighborhood. This one is in Missouri City and sooooo much nicer! We are very excited to have found it. The yard is a bit small, but the kiddos are getting older now anyway and Bailey does not need miles to run anymore. The pool is small, but probably the perfect size for us. The house has all bamboo floors and tile. We have to do some painting in the bedrooms but other than that it is perfectly set up for us. The owners must have been LSU fans - we have to paint a purple bedroom and a yellow bedroom! :)
We continue to pack and should have it complete by Saturday. Hopefully she will give us the keys on Sunday so we can go in and paint. Our move is not until Tuesday.
My drive will be about 25 miles. It is the longest I have ever had to drive for work. But I am looking forward to being in that house so much that the drive does not bother me...yet.
Everyone at work is on a new fad diet called Dukan. I was thinking about trying it but I want to wait until after the move is complete. It is very much like Atkins, but lean. Right now is the time to do it for me because it would be easy to cut out fruit. I can't do that in the summer because there are just too many delicious fruits that come up in the spring and summer. Plus maybe I can get back down to my normal weight by Christmas.
Work has been busy busy busy. I am really enjoying the non-down time. I had too much of it on my hands before. The work keeps me focused. Kirk is on and off again busy. He went on a 3 day job last week and won't go back out again until after we move. I think this company is keeping him busier than his previous employers did - plus he can live with me instead of a different state like last year at this time. It makes it less stressful for both of us when he is home.
Right now we are focused on moving out of the apartment and into a new house. That nice house we picked out in Sugar Land ended up not being so nice. The owners had smoked in it and it permiated everything. I also found mold in the bathroom. It looked like black mold, but you can never really tell unless you have it tested. And it could have been easily cleaned up. I asked for the house to be professionally cleaned to get rid of the smoke and mold. Well, they must have decided I was too much of a pain and rented to someone else instead. Of course this was after we had signed the lease, but since the owner had not signed there was nothing legal we could do. I did tell them that no matter who rents the house - they will have to clean it by law since it could be hazardous. Oh well. Not our problem. The realtor did not even try to help us find a new place. I think she was intimidated by Kirks tattoos. Hahahaha
So, we set our sites on another house. Our friend found it for us. It is close to where they live so we will at least know people in the neighborhood. This one is in Missouri City and sooooo much nicer! We are very excited to have found it. The yard is a bit small, but the kiddos are getting older now anyway and Bailey does not need miles to run anymore. The pool is small, but probably the perfect size for us. The house has all bamboo floors and tile. We have to do some painting in the bedrooms but other than that it is perfectly set up for us. The owners must have been LSU fans - we have to paint a purple bedroom and a yellow bedroom! :)
We continue to pack and should have it complete by Saturday. Hopefully she will give us the keys on Sunday so we can go in and paint. Our move is not until Tuesday.
My drive will be about 25 miles. It is the longest I have ever had to drive for work. But I am looking forward to being in that house so much that the drive does not bother me...yet.
Everyone at work is on a new fad diet called Dukan. I was thinking about trying it but I want to wait until after the move is complete. It is very much like Atkins, but lean. Right now is the time to do it for me because it would be easy to cut out fruit. I can't do that in the summer because there are just too many delicious fruits that come up in the spring and summer. Plus maybe I can get back down to my normal weight by Christmas.
Work has been busy busy busy. I am really enjoying the non-down time. I had too much of it on my hands before. The work keeps me focused. Kirk is on and off again busy. He went on a 3 day job last week and won't go back out again until after we move. I think this company is keeping him busier than his previous employers did - plus he can live with me instead of a different state like last year at this time. It makes it less stressful for both of us when he is home.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Here we are
Here we are, a little over a week later and things are settling down. I started exercising this weekend and have been walking the stairs at work (6 flights = 138 steps). I am already sore. Tonight I will take it easy and just take the kiddos for a nice long walk.
This past weekend was a busy one for us. We bought a new bed - one of those temper pedic clouds. We don't have it yet since we decided to wait until we move and then have it delivered to the new place. We are very excited to get it. And it is a King - so it is big enough for the kiddos too!!! We also signed the lease on a house in Sugar Land. I am happy to move back to my old stomping grounds. It will add 28 miles round trip for work - but it should be worth it. The house is 3 bedroom, 2 bath with a den like area. It has a perfect size pool and spa in the backyard along with a big yard for the kiddos to run and play. There is more house than I know what to do with so it will be fun trying to fill it up! LOL I am sure Kirk won't be too excited about spending more money!
We are not sure about our move date yet. We have to be out of the apartment by the 31st. The owner of the house will have everything moved out by the 22nd. I want to give her time to get it cleaned up really well too since they were smokers and I can still smell it in there. First priority for them is to clean the carpets and clean the blinds.
Kirk is very excited to have a bigger kitchen to cook in and a pool to hang out in the rest of the day. Other than football season, he usually spends most of his time outside. I am sure he can't wait to get out into that yard and play ball with Bailey - then both jump in the pool! I can already tell I am going to have a water dog on my hands! Sadie only wants to get in the pool if I am in it. She actually hates it but wants to be close to me so she tolerates it when she has to.
Packing is our main plan for the rest of this month. I plan on doing it slowly so I can get rid of the stuff we don't need. We are not sure if Kirk will be home for the move or not. If he is, then hopefully we can gather enough friends to help us move. If not, we will hire a company to do it for us. Either way, it should be an easy day since we really don't have that much.
Work has been keeping me busy. I am enjoying the up time and am looking forward to all the projects I have in the coming months. Kirk is off for another week or so before he goes on his next job. I love having him home and am fortunate that I can spend this time with him!
This past weekend was a busy one for us. We bought a new bed - one of those temper pedic clouds. We don't have it yet since we decided to wait until we move and then have it delivered to the new place. We are very excited to get it. And it is a King - so it is big enough for the kiddos too!!! We also signed the lease on a house in Sugar Land. I am happy to move back to my old stomping grounds. It will add 28 miles round trip for work - but it should be worth it. The house is 3 bedroom, 2 bath with a den like area. It has a perfect size pool and spa in the backyard along with a big yard for the kiddos to run and play. There is more house than I know what to do with so it will be fun trying to fill it up! LOL I am sure Kirk won't be too excited about spending more money!
We are not sure about our move date yet. We have to be out of the apartment by the 31st. The owner of the house will have everything moved out by the 22nd. I want to give her time to get it cleaned up really well too since they were smokers and I can still smell it in there. First priority for them is to clean the carpets and clean the blinds.
Kirk is very excited to have a bigger kitchen to cook in and a pool to hang out in the rest of the day. Other than football season, he usually spends most of his time outside. I am sure he can't wait to get out into that yard and play ball with Bailey - then both jump in the pool! I can already tell I am going to have a water dog on my hands! Sadie only wants to get in the pool if I am in it. She actually hates it but wants to be close to me so she tolerates it when she has to.
Packing is our main plan for the rest of this month. I plan on doing it slowly so I can get rid of the stuff we don't need. We are not sure if Kirk will be home for the move or not. If he is, then hopefully we can gather enough friends to help us move. If not, we will hire a company to do it for us. Either way, it should be an easy day since we really don't have that much.
Work has been keeping me busy. I am enjoying the up time and am looking forward to all the projects I have in the coming months. Kirk is off for another week or so before he goes on his next job. I love having him home and am fortunate that I can spend this time with him!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Great Expectations
It is over. My test results came in on Friday as a Big Fat Negative (BFN). I think it would have been easier on me if I knew it just didn't take. But unfortunately I know better. I carried it until either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. When I woke up Wednesday something was different. The cramps had completely disappeared. Then by the afternoon I started getting cramps that made it hard to breathe. I knew then that it was over but I did not want to believe it. I kept telling myself that this was just the next phase.
By Thursday I started to get scared so I took an at home test - BFN. I cried the rest of the evening and all through the night. Everyone I talked to said that those tests don't work like the blood tests and not to worry. But I knew. Friday morning was my blood test and of course I really was not shocked when the news came in. But by then my head was swimming with defeat and failure that I could no longer function at work. I took the rest of the day off to collect myself.
Our baby lived 15 days from conception. I guess he was just not strong enough. He tried. I tried. But in the end it was just not enough. Now comes the second hardest part for me. My body has yet to release it. It should be some time this week. I know it is going to be very tough on me. And in turn, it will make it tough on Kirk.
Kirk finally got home last night. It is such a relief to have him home. Just to be held in his arms and feel his comfort is more than words can describe.
I had such great expectations for this IVF. In my mind I was 100% sure it would work. I did all the right things and kept my mind positive. My body was healthy and strong. I had just enough "cushion". It could not have been a more perfect environment...at least that is what I thought. I guess I will never know if there is more I could have done. I am sure all of us that go through this feel this horrid pain of failure. Not only did I fail me and this baby but I failed my husband.
We will go back to the doctor this week to hear him out, maybe see what other options we have. Unfortunately, this one took more money than we had anticipated. Going through it again would be financially impossible right now.
I guess the one thing good about losing a dream is that now you can start creating another dream. Kirk and I will be okay in the end. We are strong and the most important part is that we have each other. We will find our next dream together and do our best, again, to make it come true.
By Thursday I started to get scared so I took an at home test - BFN. I cried the rest of the evening and all through the night. Everyone I talked to said that those tests don't work like the blood tests and not to worry. But I knew. Friday morning was my blood test and of course I really was not shocked when the news came in. But by then my head was swimming with defeat and failure that I could no longer function at work. I took the rest of the day off to collect myself.
Our baby lived 15 days from conception. I guess he was just not strong enough. He tried. I tried. But in the end it was just not enough. Now comes the second hardest part for me. My body has yet to release it. It should be some time this week. I know it is going to be very tough on me. And in turn, it will make it tough on Kirk.
Kirk finally got home last night. It is such a relief to have him home. Just to be held in his arms and feel his comfort is more than words can describe.
I had such great expectations for this IVF. In my mind I was 100% sure it would work. I did all the right things and kept my mind positive. My body was healthy and strong. I had just enough "cushion". It could not have been a more perfect environment...at least that is what I thought. I guess I will never know if there is more I could have done. I am sure all of us that go through this feel this horrid pain of failure. Not only did I fail me and this baby but I failed my husband.
We will go back to the doctor this week to hear him out, maybe see what other options we have. Unfortunately, this one took more money than we had anticipated. Going through it again would be financially impossible right now.
I guess the one thing good about losing a dream is that now you can start creating another dream. Kirk and I will be okay in the end. We are strong and the most important part is that we have each other. We will find our next dream together and do our best, again, to make it come true.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
2WW
I am still in my 2WW (2 week wait). The first week went by quickly since my mom was here to keep my mind off things. I only had one brake down over only having 1 embie to transfer.
My Mom left on Sunday and I have been alone ever since. I have been dwelling on when to get my testing done. I originally wanted to wait for Kirk to come home. But as my 2WW comes closer, I found that I am running out of PIO. I figure I can go get tested on Friday before I have the RX refilled. That way if I don't need to spend the money on the medications, I don't have to.
I just scheduled my testing for 8:00 AM Friday morning. I won't have any results until the afternoon. Lets hope and pray for a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!!!
I have also had really bad cramping throughout this process. When I made my appointment I asked the nurse about it because I was worried that it was bad. She explained that it is normal and I should not worry. That gave me some much needed relief.
This week is a little tough on me since I am all alone. I am trying to work, find a new place to live, help Kirk with some paperwork while he is offshore, take care of the kiddos, etc. Bailey is my biggest problem. He wants to attack every animal he sees when we go for walks. He is big enough that he could easily knock me off my feet (yes, it has happened many times before). I have to be extra cautious with him when we go out and it puts a strain on me to be that tense and on guard. So far we have been very lucky. But when Kirk gets home, Bailey boy will be heading for some much needed training to stop this and a few other bad habits he is picking up.
My Mom left on Sunday and I have been alone ever since. I have been dwelling on when to get my testing done. I originally wanted to wait for Kirk to come home. But as my 2WW comes closer, I found that I am running out of PIO. I figure I can go get tested on Friday before I have the RX refilled. That way if I don't need to spend the money on the medications, I don't have to.
I just scheduled my testing for 8:00 AM Friday morning. I won't have any results until the afternoon. Lets hope and pray for a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!!!
I have also had really bad cramping throughout this process. When I made my appointment I asked the nurse about it because I was worried that it was bad. She explained that it is normal and I should not worry. That gave me some much needed relief.
This week is a little tough on me since I am all alone. I am trying to work, find a new place to live, help Kirk with some paperwork while he is offshore, take care of the kiddos, etc. Bailey is my biggest problem. He wants to attack every animal he sees when we go for walks. He is big enough that he could easily knock me off my feet (yes, it has happened many times before). I have to be extra cautious with him when we go out and it puts a strain on me to be that tense and on guard. So far we have been very lucky. But when Kirk gets home, Bailey boy will be heading for some much needed training to stop this and a few other bad habits he is picking up.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
PUPO
Monday was the big day. I went in at 11:30 and they were ready for me right away. I changed into my scrubs - my mom had to put on scrubs to be with me too.
The nurse checked my tummy to make sure I had enough water. I had to have 32 ounces in my bladder so they could direct the catheter into my uterus by ultrasound. Once I was full the nurse called the doc. I was so nervous waiting on him.
When the Doc came in he described to us (Kirk is on the phone at this time as well) that out of the 8 fertilized eggs we only had one grow to 8 cells and become an embryo. The rest grew to 6 cells and then they all just quit growing. So we only had one to transfer. They were going to watch the rest for another day to see if they would grow to be frozen, but the Doc did not have high hopes for them. They were just too fragile.
With only one, I am still very excited - because after all it only takes one! I am hoping this one is a fighter. The whole procedure lasted less then 10 minutes. I was instructed to lay for about 10 minutes and then was free to go home and relax. The next day should have been business as usual but I took it off just to be safe. By Wednesday I was back to work.
My tummy is crampy but for the most part I am doing just fine. My butt is getting more tender from the PIO (progesterone in oil) shot. I feel really bruised.
So....as my good friend says - I am PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!!!! Welcome home little one! We are praying for you!!!
The nurse checked my tummy to make sure I had enough water. I had to have 32 ounces in my bladder so they could direct the catheter into my uterus by ultrasound. Once I was full the nurse called the doc. I was so nervous waiting on him.
When the Doc came in he described to us (Kirk is on the phone at this time as well) that out of the 8 fertilized eggs we only had one grow to 8 cells and become an embryo. The rest grew to 6 cells and then they all just quit growing. So we only had one to transfer. They were going to watch the rest for another day to see if they would grow to be frozen, but the Doc did not have high hopes for them. They were just too fragile.
With only one, I am still very excited - because after all it only takes one! I am hoping this one is a fighter. The whole procedure lasted less then 10 minutes. I was instructed to lay for about 10 minutes and then was free to go home and relax. The next day should have been business as usual but I took it off just to be safe. By Wednesday I was back to work.
My tummy is crampy but for the most part I am doing just fine. My butt is getting more tender from the PIO (progesterone in oil) shot. I feel really bruised.
So....as my good friend says - I am PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!!!! Welcome home little one! We are praying for you!!!
Friday, September 16, 2011
The Issue and Embryo update
I read a blog last week that details her dilemma with religion and how they should raise their children after IVF. It really made me think about the moral and ethical background of IVF and the religious aspects of this way of conceiving. Google, my best friend on most days, came through with great sites. The only problem with the sites is they just gave me information that I have either chosen to ignore or didn't think about in my quest to start a family. Now it seems that every decision I make comes with the questions on whether I am doing the right thing. My heart, soul, gut and conversations with God tell me it is right and it is good. It is now my mind that over analyzes.
Being very open about this process may have backfired. On the religious front it appears that most major religions do not find IVF to be bad. However, some condone the use of a donor. I am of the Christianity faith and to my delight, it is not a sin. Then their are the Catholics. They believe in only one from of conception and that anything else is considered gravely evil. Therefore I am an evil doer. It did not dawn on me that I have friends from every religion and every walk of life - and that some of them might be Catholic or condone such acts. It never crossed my mind that any act I do would result in someone thinking I am evil.
It has always been in my heart that the only one that can judge me is God himself. Someone may not like me or be prejudice about me, but they don't have the right to judge me. And if they do, well they will have to answer to God for that, not me. I had this conversation once with a Jehovah's Wittiness (a friend, not one that came to my door) and while that person agreed, they still judged and thought they were righteous in doing so because that is what their religion had taught them to do. Goodness knows I do not want to have anyone think ill of me. It is not that I really care what they think but I firmly believe that they will be sending out negative thoughts and vibes into the universe which does not help anybody. With that said, I am writing it here to remember this feeling later in life, but I am going to let it go to be in the hands of God. I need to get back to a positive frame of mind. And I urge anyone who is going through this to make sure you are only telling people you know will support you and who don't believe you are an evil doer.
Now for embie news. Out of the 27 follies collected from our miracle worker (ie egg donor), 16 of them were mature. Of those 16 - 8 fertalized! They are more fragile than others so we will not have a possible 3 day transfer. My date at this point is still scheduled for Monday. They want to let the little eggies incubate with as little handling as necessary. Doc might check on them once this weekend but it will be a quick and gentle process as not to disturb them. We are very excited and hope that many of them turn into embryos. But it only takes one!!! I am still amazed and fascinated with this whole process. Miracle life in a petre dish! Incredible!
Kirk and I had a great conversation last night about what will happen in the next few days. He is going to free himself up from work so that he can call in and talk to the doctor with me during my appointment. This is a major relief for me since I don't think I will be able to make any major decisions on my own if something arrises. I think it is a relief and honor for him too since he feels helpless out in the Gulf that he can't be here with me through the process.
My mom flys in on Sunday and will stay with me for a week. It will be nice to have her here to help me with the pups and also help me relax. Oh - maybe she will cook too!!! YUM!!! She is a great cook and I sure do miss all of the traditional Czech recipes!!!
Being very open about this process may have backfired. On the religious front it appears that most major religions do not find IVF to be bad. However, some condone the use of a donor. I am of the Christianity faith and to my delight, it is not a sin. Then their are the Catholics. They believe in only one from of conception and that anything else is considered gravely evil. Therefore I am an evil doer. It did not dawn on me that I have friends from every religion and every walk of life - and that some of them might be Catholic or condone such acts. It never crossed my mind that any act I do would result in someone thinking I am evil.
It has always been in my heart that the only one that can judge me is God himself. Someone may not like me or be prejudice about me, but they don't have the right to judge me. And if they do, well they will have to answer to God for that, not me. I had this conversation once with a Jehovah's Wittiness (a friend, not one that came to my door) and while that person agreed, they still judged and thought they were righteous in doing so because that is what their religion had taught them to do. Goodness knows I do not want to have anyone think ill of me. It is not that I really care what they think but I firmly believe that they will be sending out negative thoughts and vibes into the universe which does not help anybody. With that said, I am writing it here to remember this feeling later in life, but I am going to let it go to be in the hands of God. I need to get back to a positive frame of mind. And I urge anyone who is going through this to make sure you are only telling people you know will support you and who don't believe you are an evil doer.
Now for embie news. Out of the 27 follies collected from our miracle worker (ie egg donor), 16 of them were mature. Of those 16 - 8 fertalized! They are more fragile than others so we will not have a possible 3 day transfer. My date at this point is still scheduled for Monday. They want to let the little eggies incubate with as little handling as necessary. Doc might check on them once this weekend but it will be a quick and gentle process as not to disturb them. We are very excited and hope that many of them turn into embryos. But it only takes one!!! I am still amazed and fascinated with this whole process. Miracle life in a petre dish! Incredible!
Kirk and I had a great conversation last night about what will happen in the next few days. He is going to free himself up from work so that he can call in and talk to the doctor with me during my appointment. This is a major relief for me since I don't think I will be able to make any major decisions on my own if something arrises. I think it is a relief and honor for him too since he feels helpless out in the Gulf that he can't be here with me through the process.
My mom flys in on Sunday and will stay with me for a week. It will be nice to have her here to help me with the pups and also help me relax. Oh - maybe she will cook too!!! YUM!!! She is a great cook and I sure do miss all of the traditional Czech recipes!!!
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