For November

Kirk and I are moving forward and making plans for this coming year.  I think I may write in my blog about it but won't be so open with family and friends this time.  I did not realize how hard it would be everytime someone asked how it was going and had to tell them "it didn't go."

Right now we are focused on moving out of the apartment and into a new house.  That nice house we picked out in Sugar Land ended up not being so nice.  The owners had smoked in it and it permiated everything.  I also found mold in the bathroom.  It looked like black mold, but you can never really tell unless you have it tested.  And it could have been easily cleaned up.  I asked for the house to be professionally cleaned to get rid of the smoke and mold.  Well, they must have decided I was too much of a pain and rented to someone else instead.  Of course this was after we had signed the lease, but since the owner had not signed there was nothing legal we could do.  I did tell them that no matter who rents the house - they will have to clean it by law since it could be hazardous.  Oh well.  Not our problem.  The realtor did not even try to help us find a new place.  I think she was intimidated by Kirks tattoos.  Hahahaha

So, we set our sites on another house.  Our friend found it for us.  It is close to where they live so we will at least know people in the neighborhood.  This one is in Missouri City and sooooo much nicer!  We are very excited to have found it.  The yard is a bit small, but the kiddos are getting older now anyway and Bailey does not need miles to run anymore.  The pool is small, but probably the perfect size for us.  The house has all bamboo floors and tile.  We have to do some painting in the bedrooms but other than that it is perfectly set up for us.  The owners must have been LSU fans - we have to paint a purple bedroom and a yellow bedroom!  :)

We continue to pack and should have it complete by Saturday.  Hopefully she will give us the keys on Sunday so we can go in and paint.  Our move is not until Tuesday. 

My drive will be about 25 miles.  It is the longest I have ever had to drive for work.  But I am looking forward to being in that house so much that the drive does not bother me...yet. 

Everyone at work is on a new fad diet called Dukan.  I was thinking about trying it but I want to wait until after the move is complete.  It is very much like Atkins, but lean.  Right now is the time to do it for me because it would be easy to cut out fruit.  I can't do that in the summer because there are just too many delicious fruits that come up in the spring and summer.  Plus maybe I can get back down to my normal weight by Christmas.

Work has been busy busy busy.  I am really enjoying the non-down time.  I had too much of it on my hands before. The work keeps me focused.  Kirk is on and off again busy.  He went on a 3 day job last week and won't go back out again until after we move.  I think this company is keeping him busier than his previous employers did - plus he can live with me instead of a different state like last year at this time.  It makes it less stressful for both of us when he is home. 

Here we are

Here we are, a little over a week later and things are settling down.  I started exercising this weekend and have been walking the stairs at work (6 flights = 138 steps).  I am already sore.  Tonight I will take it easy and just take the kiddos for a nice long walk. 

This past weekend was a busy one for us.  We bought a new bed - one of those temper pedic clouds.  We don't have it yet since we decided to wait until we move and then have it delivered to the new place.  We are very excited to get it.  And it is a King - so it is big enough for the kiddos too!!!  We also signed the lease on a house in Sugar Land.  I am happy to move back to my old stomping grounds.  It will add 28 miles round trip for work - but it should be worth it.  The house is 3 bedroom, 2 bath with a den like area.  It has a perfect size pool and spa in the backyard along with a big yard for the kiddos to run and play.  There is more house than I know what to do with so it will be fun trying to fill it up!  LOL  I am sure Kirk won't be too excited about spending more money!

We are not sure about our move date yet.  We have to be out of the apartment by the 31st.  The owner of the house will have everything moved out by the 22nd.  I want to give her time to get it cleaned up really well too since they were smokers and I can still smell it in there.  First priority for them is to clean the carpets and clean the blinds. 

Kirk is very excited to have a bigger kitchen to cook in and a pool to hang out in the rest of the day.  Other than football season, he usually spends most of his time outside.  I am sure he can't wait to get out into that yard and play ball with Bailey - then both jump in the pool!  I can already tell I am going to have a water dog on my hands!  Sadie only wants to get in the pool if I am in it.  She actually hates it but wants to be close to me so she tolerates it when she has to.

Packing is our main plan for the rest of this month.  I plan on doing it slowly so I can get rid of the stuff we don't need.  We are not sure if Kirk will be home for the move or not.  If he is, then hopefully we can gather enough friends to help us move.  If not, we will hire a company to do it for us.  Either way, it should be an easy day since we really don't have that much.

Work has been keeping me busy.  I am enjoying the up time and am looking forward to all the projects I have in the coming months.  Kirk is off for another week or so before he goes on his next job.  I love having him home and am fortunate that I can spend this time with him!

Great Expectations

It is over.  My test results came in on Friday as a Big Fat Negative (BFN).  I think it would have been easier on me if I knew it just didn't take.  But unfortunately I know better.  I carried it until either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.  When I woke up Wednesday something was different.  The cramps had completely disappeared.  Then by the afternoon I started getting cramps that made it hard to breathe.  I knew then that it was over but I did not want to believe it.  I kept telling myself that this was just the next phase. 

By Thursday I started to get scared so I took an at home test - BFN.  I cried the rest of the evening and all through the night.  Everyone I talked to said that those tests don't work like the blood tests and not to worry.  But I knew.  Friday morning was my blood test and of course I really was not shocked when the news came in.  But by then my head was swimming with defeat and failure that I could no longer function at work.  I took the rest of the day off to collect myself. 

Our baby lived 15 days from conception.  I guess he was just not strong enough.  He tried.  I tried.  But in the end it was just not enough.  Now comes the second hardest part for me.  My body has yet to release it.  It should be some time this week.  I know it is going to be very tough on me.  And in turn, it will make it tough on Kirk. 

Kirk finally got home last night.  It is such a relief to have him home.  Just to be held in his arms and feel his comfort is more than words can describe.

I had such great expectations for this IVF.  In my mind I was 100% sure it would work.  I did all the right things and kept my mind positive.  My body was healthy and strong.  I had just enough "cushion".  It could not have been a more perfect environment...at least that is what I thought.  I guess I will never know if there is more I could have done.  I am sure all of us that go through this feel this horrid pain of failure.  Not only did I fail me and this baby but I failed my husband.

We will go back to the doctor this week to hear him out, maybe see what other options we have.  Unfortunately, this one took more money than we had anticipated.  Going through it again would be financially impossible right now.

I guess the one thing good about losing a dream is that now you can start creating another dream.  Kirk and I will be okay in the end.  We are strong and the most important part is that we have each other.  We will find our next dream together and do our best, again, to make it come true.