I can't think of what song my title came from but I can sing it in my head. I started singing it when I ventured out to see if there were other blogs out there that were like mine. I was afraid that I would be the only one openly discussing my infertility issues. I thought I was mostly alone and I was either being brave or stupid to put this all over the Internet for others to see. I am delighted to say I have found so many blogs on the subject. Every story is different, but we all have the same underlying problem and we all want the same outcome.
I can't say I am happy to see so many others out there. Sometimes I wish I was alone in this struggle. I would not wish this on anyone. At the same time I am happy to see a very tight group and a ton of support. I hope I can break into some of these circles and even make some friends. It would be nice to have a group of support. I have family and friends all around me giving me the love I need. But it is nice to know others that are going through the same struggles and who "understand" more than the people that have not gone through it.
I am feeding on these blogs right now. I can't get enough of them and I enjoy everything I am reading - even the negative stuff. Some blogs have hundreds of followers. With being so open about personal issues (I mean heck, we are literally putting it out there for the world to read) comes followers and commenter's from all walks of life. I read some very cruel comments to some of the posters and then the backlash to their comments. It is unfortunate, but a part of life. Everyone has an opinion and they have the right to share it.
I am learning this the easy way. I have not yet had to endure much negative. I am very open about what I am going through. I may be somewhat anonymous on here but in my personal and business life everyone knows what I am doing and going through. I have no secrets. If someone starts with a negative - I end it with a positive. It it continues, I let them know that I need to be in a positive frame of mind right now and if they don't have anything nice to say then don't say it. So far it seems to be working, but like I said, I have not had very much of that. For the most part, people are just curious and ask a lot of questions. Science is absolutely amazing and I love to discuss the science behind DE (donor egg) IVF.
Of course, with me being absolutely 100% positive that Kirk and I will have a family someday, it helps to know that no matter how it happens, it will happen. Of course I am rooting on this IVF!!!
Okay...I got sidetracked. The whole reason for me writing this post was to tell you that I am linking some of the other blogs I read on IVF to my page. If there is anyone out there that is going through this, I want them to have the opportunities I had in being a part of a bigger picture and finding comfort in others.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Graduated to the next step
I had my ultrasound last week and blood work done to make sure I was on the right path. I have a call in to the nurse though to see if I can take allergy meds. Houston is very dry right now - something you have never heard me say. We have had NO rain this summer at all which stirs the pollen and fills my sinus's. I actually went home early on Friday from work because the allergies were so bad I was miserable. Hopefully she will call back soon with a remedy for me. At the moment, they only allow me to take my Tylenol PM - and as of today baby aspirin.
Which leads me to my post. Today is the day I added estrogen and baby aspirin to my baby diet. I am so excited to be on this next step that I could not wait to wake up this morning and take my pills! And now that I look at the calendar I realize I only have about 20 days left until the big day!!! I know this time will just fly by and it will be here before I know it.
I head to Michigan this weekend (Labor Day weekend) to visit my Grandma Hain and Irene. It will be wonderful to spend some time with them. Grandma is not doing well and I want to be able to see and talk to her as much as I can. It is perfect timing before the IVF is complete. I will also get to visit with my cousins which will be nice. It has been too long since I have see this side of my family. Out of everyone, besides my immediate family, this is is the side I am closest too since my cousins are all around my age.
I am counting down the days Kirk has been gone. Since I am not sure when he will be home, we have to do this a little bit backwards. Everyday he is gone it makes him one day closer to coming home. When he is gone for so long, we suffer a bit with our relationship. We both know what we got into and deal with it, but it can get hard when we miss each other so much. It is harder on him because he can't be here with me and go through this with me. He has a very vivid imagination that sometimes gets the better of him. When I say I have a headache from the Lupron he pictures the worst. This is something neither of us has had to deal with in the past so it will take some getting used to when we talk or email through it. Hopefully he will be home soon and then he won't worry so much.
Which leads me to my post. Today is the day I added estrogen and baby aspirin to my baby diet. I am so excited to be on this next step that I could not wait to wake up this morning and take my pills! And now that I look at the calendar I realize I only have about 20 days left until the big day!!! I know this time will just fly by and it will be here before I know it.
I head to Michigan this weekend (Labor Day weekend) to visit my Grandma Hain and Irene. It will be wonderful to spend some time with them. Grandma is not doing well and I want to be able to see and talk to her as much as I can. It is perfect timing before the IVF is complete. I will also get to visit with my cousins which will be nice. It has been too long since I have see this side of my family. Out of everyone, besides my immediate family, this is is the side I am closest too since my cousins are all around my age.
I am counting down the days Kirk has been gone. Since I am not sure when he will be home, we have to do this a little bit backwards. Everyday he is gone it makes him one day closer to coming home. When he is gone for so long, we suffer a bit with our relationship. We both know what we got into and deal with it, but it can get hard when we miss each other so much. It is harder on him because he can't be here with me and go through this with me. He has a very vivid imagination that sometimes gets the better of him. When I say I have a headache from the Lupron he pictures the worst. This is something neither of us has had to deal with in the past so it will take some getting used to when we talk or email through it. Hopefully he will be home soon and then he won't worry so much.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Memories
Life on Lupron has not been as bad as I thought it would be. The shots are actually very easy and the mood swings are less than imagined. I did have one day that made it hard to get out of bed. But Kirk called and he put the smile back on my face with his dorkiness (something he will NEVER admit). He likes to pretend that I am the only dork/nerd in this family. I guess it is nice to be a dreamer! :)
My brain does not seem to function as well on the Lupron. I constantly have a dull headache. Right now I can't even remember what I have written in the past so that I make sure not to re-write it! Oh, well...bare with me. I was under the impression that I would gain weight. So far I have lost a few pounds and now I am holding steady. Which means my fat-tastic clothes are being used as they should be. I even got very upset one morning when I had planned on wearing a new pair of pants and a shirt to work and when I put them on I looked like I was wearing an over sized potato sack. It took me 30 minutes to find something else to wear. At least I know that I will get some use out of them once I actually get pregnant. They will save me from having to go maternity clothes shopping for quite a while. Of course I may be speaking too soon since I have not started the estrogen and progesterone yet.
This last weekend I pulled out the progesterone syringes to see what they look like. I almost fainted when I saw the needle. It is about 4 inches long and really thick. I know I am going to bleed. If you don't already know, I get really ill at the site of blood. I have a hard time with just a paper cut. I may have to bring it in to work and have one of my coworkers give it to me. I actually have a coworker that was a donor - many years ago. So she is very familiar with everything I am doing and going through. She is very nice and offered to help me when I need it. I am going to have to take her up on that offer very soon.
Last night I was thinking of memories that I have where I see myself the happiest. The one that came to me last night is very special. I was in my early 20's studying for a semester in Oxford, England. During Easter break I went with two other girls to Ireland and we backpacked up the West Coast. At one point in the trip I had gotten seperated from them on a long windy road through the country on our way to The Cliffs of Moher. We split up because we thought it might be easier to hitch a ride since we had already walked about 10 miles and were not even close to the Cliffs. It was already mid afternoon and time was not on our side to get to a place to spend the night. I remember it was a brilliant day. The weather was in our favor, a bit chilled yet the sun was shining and kept us warm. The road was windy and hilly - dotted with sheep farms. It was just as you would imagine Ireland to be with little stone cabins and hand made fences, herds of sheep rolling with the green pastures. At one point the beautiful picture all around me came to life when a sheep dog (you know, the black and white spotted ones you see in pictures) spotted me on the road. I watched as he ran full force towards me. I stopped dead in my tracks not knowing what to do, worried that I was about to be attacked. As the dog approached, I could see his ears and tail were both up and not in an attack stance. He greeted me with a little bark, and just took his place by my side as I continued to walk down the road. We walked together along the road for about a half of a mile before he turned and headed back to his sheep. It was one of the most perfect moments in my entire life. Everything was perfect. I was free. The breath in my lungs was fresh. The feeling in my heart made me feel like the happiest, most content person on the entire planet. It was an incredible feeling that I cannot even describe. I still feel that way today when I think of that incredible place. For most it is a fairytale, but I actually had the opportunity to live it, even if it was only for a day.
Memories like this keep my spirits up when I start feeling down. Memories like, the day I stood and gave my life to my husband; listening to him tell me he finally has a nick name offshore - The tooth fairy, or telling me how he had down time when he was on the ocean bottom so he sang and did a little dance (I can actually picture him doing that!). Or maybe it is the day I found Bailey and made him apart of the family, or the turtle I ran down the toll way to save. How about the day that I got a call for the job I have now - I was not even looking and they found me - they wanted me - at a time when I had just been disgarded from my previous job after 10 years of service and loyalty - I was wanted by somebody! Life really does place miracles in my life all the time. I am a very lucky woman to be who I am and where I am. God really does LOVE me!
My brain does not seem to function as well on the Lupron. I constantly have a dull headache. Right now I can't even remember what I have written in the past so that I make sure not to re-write it! Oh, well...bare with me. I was under the impression that I would gain weight. So far I have lost a few pounds and now I am holding steady. Which means my fat-tastic clothes are being used as they should be. I even got very upset one morning when I had planned on wearing a new pair of pants and a shirt to work and when I put them on I looked like I was wearing an over sized potato sack. It took me 30 minutes to find something else to wear. At least I know that I will get some use out of them once I actually get pregnant. They will save me from having to go maternity clothes shopping for quite a while. Of course I may be speaking too soon since I have not started the estrogen and progesterone yet.
This last weekend I pulled out the progesterone syringes to see what they look like. I almost fainted when I saw the needle. It is about 4 inches long and really thick. I know I am going to bleed. If you don't already know, I get really ill at the site of blood. I have a hard time with just a paper cut. I may have to bring it in to work and have one of my coworkers give it to me. I actually have a coworker that was a donor - many years ago. So she is very familiar with everything I am doing and going through. She is very nice and offered to help me when I need it. I am going to have to take her up on that offer very soon.
Last night I was thinking of memories that I have where I see myself the happiest. The one that came to me last night is very special. I was in my early 20's studying for a semester in Oxford, England. During Easter break I went with two other girls to Ireland and we backpacked up the West Coast. At one point in the trip I had gotten seperated from them on a long windy road through the country on our way to The Cliffs of Moher. We split up because we thought it might be easier to hitch a ride since we had already walked about 10 miles and were not even close to the Cliffs. It was already mid afternoon and time was not on our side to get to a place to spend the night. I remember it was a brilliant day. The weather was in our favor, a bit chilled yet the sun was shining and kept us warm. The road was windy and hilly - dotted with sheep farms. It was just as you would imagine Ireland to be with little stone cabins and hand made fences, herds of sheep rolling with the green pastures. At one point the beautiful picture all around me came to life when a sheep dog (you know, the black and white spotted ones you see in pictures) spotted me on the road. I watched as he ran full force towards me. I stopped dead in my tracks not knowing what to do, worried that I was about to be attacked. As the dog approached, I could see his ears and tail were both up and not in an attack stance. He greeted me with a little bark, and just took his place by my side as I continued to walk down the road. We walked together along the road for about a half of a mile before he turned and headed back to his sheep. It was one of the most perfect moments in my entire life. Everything was perfect. I was free. The breath in my lungs was fresh. The feeling in my heart made me feel like the happiest, most content person on the entire planet. It was an incredible feeling that I cannot even describe. I still feel that way today when I think of that incredible place. For most it is a fairytale, but I actually had the opportunity to live it, even if it was only for a day.
Memories like this keep my spirits up when I start feeling down. Memories like, the day I stood and gave my life to my husband; listening to him tell me he finally has a nick name offshore - The tooth fairy, or telling me how he had down time when he was on the ocean bottom so he sang and did a little dance (I can actually picture him doing that!). Or maybe it is the day I found Bailey and made him apart of the family, or the turtle I ran down the toll way to save. How about the day that I got a call for the job I have now - I was not even looking and they found me - they wanted me - at a time when I had just been disgarded from my previous job after 10 years of service and loyalty - I was wanted by somebody! Life really does place miracles in my life all the time. I am a very lucky woman to be who I am and where I am. God really does LOVE me!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Two great days in a row
I thought this Lupron was going to make me a little nutty but I am actually doing okay on it. I still have the slight headache. And the last two days I have developed cramping in my feet. I upped my potassium and bought bananas to help with that. I have two days left on the Pill and then I go to straight Lupron for about a week. The nurse said I might have a period at that time. I will be surprised if I do, but lets hope for one!
It sounds strange, but I actually miss my periods. I know, I know - you are thinking I am crazy. I may have 2 periods a year now, if I am lucky. And that is with help. A monthly period to me means an egg dropped. How I wish I had an egg to drop.
I have been in a great mood for two days. I think it is because I had a pep talk with myself Tuesday night. I woke up Wednesday knowing it would be a good day - and it was more than I could have hoped for. I received three pieces of news at work: 1. We just landed a 67 million dollar contract starting next month. This is great news since we have not had ANY work all year. 2. One of my audits came back and I can finally file with the IRS. One down, two to go!!! 3. An issue with our parent company was cleared up in my favor. I love days like this!
While searching one of the IVF forums, I found two other people who write blogs about IVF. I love reading them and am fascinated with the story of one since her attitude closely resembles mine. She is very positive and was already determined that she was going to have a family. If IVF did not work, they would adopt. Kirk and I feel the same way. No matter what, we WILL have a family. It is just a matter of how we become that family. It is truly in God's hands. He knows best. Luckily, after many attempts she finally got pregnant. She has been blessed with twins that are due in three months. I am so excited for her and it gives me hope!
Now for a random thought. I think my husband has been secretly teaching our Bailey boy to hate all trucks but Fords. I was walking the dogs yesterday afternoon and Bailey kept looking at this big Dodge truck in the parking lot. He tried to veer me in its direction, but I did not budge. Finally after about 5 attempts to get to the truck, I finally gave in just because I was curious as to why he wanted to be near this truck so bad. He did nothing but walk up to it, sniff the bumper and then lifted his leg to relieve himself all over it. I actually had to look around to make sure nobody was watching - I was so embarrassed. It reminded me of the time he peed all over the man at the dog park and we had to do the walk of shame out of the park never to return again.
It sounds strange, but I actually miss my periods. I know, I know - you are thinking I am crazy. I may have 2 periods a year now, if I am lucky. And that is with help. A monthly period to me means an egg dropped. How I wish I had an egg to drop.
I have been in a great mood for two days. I think it is because I had a pep talk with myself Tuesday night. I woke up Wednesday knowing it would be a good day - and it was more than I could have hoped for. I received three pieces of news at work: 1. We just landed a 67 million dollar contract starting next month. This is great news since we have not had ANY work all year. 2. One of my audits came back and I can finally file with the IRS. One down, two to go!!! 3. An issue with our parent company was cleared up in my favor. I love days like this!
While searching one of the IVF forums, I found two other people who write blogs about IVF. I love reading them and am fascinated with the story of one since her attitude closely resembles mine. She is very positive and was already determined that she was going to have a family. If IVF did not work, they would adopt. Kirk and I feel the same way. No matter what, we WILL have a family. It is just a matter of how we become that family. It is truly in God's hands. He knows best. Luckily, after many attempts she finally got pregnant. She has been blessed with twins that are due in three months. I am so excited for her and it gives me hope!
Now for a random thought. I think my husband has been secretly teaching our Bailey boy to hate all trucks but Fords. I was walking the dogs yesterday afternoon and Bailey kept looking at this big Dodge truck in the parking lot. He tried to veer me in its direction, but I did not budge. Finally after about 5 attempts to get to the truck, I finally gave in just because I was curious as to why he wanted to be near this truck so bad. He did nothing but walk up to it, sniff the bumper and then lifted his leg to relieve himself all over it. I actually had to look around to make sure nobody was watching - I was so embarrassed. It reminded me of the time he peed all over the man at the dog park and we had to do the walk of shame out of the park never to return again.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Pretty water just tastes better!
I guess this is a random thought. For our wedding, a good friend gave Kirk and me a set of 4 plastic tumblers. We fell in love with these glasses and did not bother to get any other kind, except more plastic tumblers.
A few weeks ago we were at the liqueur warehouse and we decided we at least need to get a set of wine glasses. It was not fun drinking red wine out of plastic tumblers. We picked up two delicate red wine glasses - you know those kind that do not have stems. So they are very classic looking glasses. Last night I felt like using one of these glasses for water. I poured the water into the glass and for some reason it just looked prettier, more appetizing. It was crisp and clean - the light shined through it beautifully creating delicate shadows on the ground.
I enjoyed my glass of water so much that I had two more. I think I am going to drink out of my wine glasses from now on. Pretty water just tastes better!
A few weeks ago we were at the liqueur warehouse and we decided we at least need to get a set of wine glasses. It was not fun drinking red wine out of plastic tumblers. We picked up two delicate red wine glasses - you know those kind that do not have stems. So they are very classic looking glasses. Last night I felt like using one of these glasses for water. I poured the water into the glass and for some reason it just looked prettier, more appetizing. It was crisp and clean - the light shined through it beautifully creating delicate shadows on the ground.
I enjoyed my glass of water so much that I had two more. I think I am going to drink out of my wine glasses from now on. Pretty water just tastes better!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Preparing for a Fat-tastic month!
The nurse told me that I would not have anything to worry about with gaining weight from these meds. One good friend of mine said she only got a bit bloated. Another told me she gained. Allot of what I read states that I will gain. And of course the forum I belong to - the woman have an average gain of 10 pounds. Soooo, I am preparing for the fat.
Saturday I went Fat-tastic clothes shopping. I say this with a smile on my face, and don't look at it a a downer or a negative. If what it takes for me to get preggo is to get fat, well then count me in! I took my fashionable friend with me to help me buy things that will still flatter - and also grow with me for a while. I must say, we did an excellent job! And, I did it all on a budget. I had 4 pairs of pants I recently bought that I exchanged for bigger sizes, then I bought two skirts, a dress and some accent tops.
I was so excited with everything I cleaned out my closet and packed away all of the things that no longer fit me. Of course I am keeping them - I will be skinny again one day! :) I had plenty of room for my new stuff - and even room for maternity clothes when it comes that time.
Yesterday was my first shot. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I fretted for absolutely nothing. I do have a slight headache and a few other symptoms. But nothing to really worry or bother me. All are completely normal.
I have decided to cancel my gym membership. I cannot justify paying as much as I do with as little as I use it. Plus it will give us extra $ to save for all of the big events coming up in the near future.
This morning I got up early and took the dogs for a long walk. Then came back and did my wimpy version of push-ups (I suck at those by the way). I then tried my hand at jump rope. I have a lot of coordination to work on before I continue with that - it was not my best moment. And when I mean moment I mean less than a minute of getting tangled and falling in exhaustion. It would have been a priceless America's Funniest Home Videos moment if someone were there to witness it. Kirk jokes that he needs to baby proof the house just for me since I am such a klutz and accident prone.
bye for now!
Saturday I went Fat-tastic clothes shopping. I say this with a smile on my face, and don't look at it a a downer or a negative. If what it takes for me to get preggo is to get fat, well then count me in! I took my fashionable friend with me to help me buy things that will still flatter - and also grow with me for a while. I must say, we did an excellent job! And, I did it all on a budget. I had 4 pairs of pants I recently bought that I exchanged for bigger sizes, then I bought two skirts, a dress and some accent tops.
I was so excited with everything I cleaned out my closet and packed away all of the things that no longer fit me. Of course I am keeping them - I will be skinny again one day! :) I had plenty of room for my new stuff - and even room for maternity clothes when it comes that time.
Yesterday was my first shot. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I fretted for absolutely nothing. I do have a slight headache and a few other symptoms. But nothing to really worry or bother me. All are completely normal.
I have decided to cancel my gym membership. I cannot justify paying as much as I do with as little as I use it. Plus it will give us extra $ to save for all of the big events coming up in the near future.
This morning I got up early and took the dogs for a long walk. Then came back and did my wimpy version of push-ups (I suck at those by the way). I then tried my hand at jump rope. I have a lot of coordination to work on before I continue with that - it was not my best moment. And when I mean moment I mean less than a minute of getting tangled and falling in exhaustion. It would have been a priceless America's Funniest Home Videos moment if someone were there to witness it. Kirk jokes that he needs to baby proof the house just for me since I am such a klutz and accident prone.
bye for now!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Surprise in my schedule!!!
Well, I knew that I would have to take some pills to get ready for this, but I was not aware of having to take shots! I was under the impression that my donor would have to do that and not me! I am now armed with about 50 needles and let me tell you, they are not pretty. I took them out of my "goody" bag and I got woozy just looking at them. The Lupron ones are not so bad, but the Progesterone ones are HUGE!!!
Here is my schedule:
up to 08.20 = The Pill (already on this for 2 months)
08.14 to 08.20 = Lupron (shot), Pill
08.21 to 08.28 = Lupron
08.29 to 09.13 = Lupron, Estrace (estrogen), baby aspirin
09.13 = targeted Egg Retrieval
09.14 to 9.19 = Estrace, baby aspirin, Progesterone (shot), medrol
09.18 = targeted embryo transfer
09.20 until further instructions = Estrace, baby aspirin, Progesterone
The Pill = Puts me and donor in sync and suppresses ovaries
Lupron injections = suppress ovaries to enable doctor to control cycle
Estrace pills = estrogen to help build lining of uterus
Baby aspirin = increase blood flow to the uterus and aid in implantation of embryo
Medrol = steroid to decrease inflammation in uterus and help with implantation of embryo
Progesterone injection = helps prepare the uterine lining for implantation and continued development of embryo
Folic acid/ and prenatal vitamin = decrease the risk of certain birth defects
Work has been fairly warned that I am going through this process now. Luckily my boss's wife went through it so she is keeping my boss aware of what my emotions are going to be like. I think I may be a little emotional, but I am sure I will handle myself gracefully at work. It will be toughest on me when I am home alone.
I had a talk with my boss yesterday afternoon about how slow I am at work right now. He was already aware of it, but I wanted to make it clear that I am available to help out wherever I can. I don't like sitting here doing nothing all day long. My time is not being utilized and when I sit idle too long I start feeling dispensable. I have a few big projects that I am working on, but it is always hurry up and then wait. I am in the waiting mode right now. Soon they will be complete and unless we pick up some jobs, or I help out in payroll, I will be sitting idle for quite a while. It looks like in the near future they might transfer some payroll duties over to me. I am fine with that and I enjoy learning new things. It will be a good challenge for me and keeps my mind sharp!
I have been very lucky that I get to talk to Kirk everyday. We found that the later he calls me, the more time we can spend talking on the phone. He now has Internet as well, but only briefly each day and it is enough for him to write me a few sentences. He really likes his shift and the people he is working with. That eases my mind knowing that he is happy. We miss each other greatly, but we are strong enough to handle it and we know that this is right were we need to be now. It is great dreaming about our future!
Here is my schedule:
up to 08.20 = The Pill (already on this for 2 months)
08.14 to 08.20 = Lupron (shot), Pill
08.21 to 08.28 = Lupron
08.29 to 09.13 = Lupron, Estrace (estrogen), baby aspirin
09.13 = targeted Egg Retrieval
09.14 to 9.19 = Estrace, baby aspirin, Progesterone (shot), medrol
09.18 = targeted embryo transfer
09.20 until further instructions = Estrace, baby aspirin, Progesterone
The Pill = Puts me and donor in sync and suppresses ovaries
Lupron injections = suppress ovaries to enable doctor to control cycle
Estrace pills = estrogen to help build lining of uterus
Baby aspirin = increase blood flow to the uterus and aid in implantation of embryo
Medrol = steroid to decrease inflammation in uterus and help with implantation of embryo
Progesterone injection = helps prepare the uterine lining for implantation and continued development of embryo
Folic acid/ and prenatal vitamin = decrease the risk of certain birth defects
Work has been fairly warned that I am going through this process now. Luckily my boss's wife went through it so she is keeping my boss aware of what my emotions are going to be like. I think I may be a little emotional, but I am sure I will handle myself gracefully at work. It will be toughest on me when I am home alone.
I had a talk with my boss yesterday afternoon about how slow I am at work right now. He was already aware of it, but I wanted to make it clear that I am available to help out wherever I can. I don't like sitting here doing nothing all day long. My time is not being utilized and when I sit idle too long I start feeling dispensable. I have a few big projects that I am working on, but it is always hurry up and then wait. I am in the waiting mode right now. Soon they will be complete and unless we pick up some jobs, or I help out in payroll, I will be sitting idle for quite a while. It looks like in the near future they might transfer some payroll duties over to me. I am fine with that and I enjoy learning new things. It will be a good challenge for me and keeps my mind sharp!
I have been very lucky that I get to talk to Kirk everyday. We found that the later he calls me, the more time we can spend talking on the phone. He now has Internet as well, but only briefly each day and it is enough for him to write me a few sentences. He really likes his shift and the people he is working with. That eases my mind knowing that he is happy. We miss each other greatly, but we are strong enough to handle it and we know that this is right were we need to be now. It is great dreaming about our future!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Positive Affirmations!!
I found these on a forum I read and write to - I think this will help!!! Change the impossible to
I-M-Possible!!!
“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.”
Mahatma Gandhi
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”
W. Clement Stone
"Every thought of yours is a real thing---a force."
Prentice Mulford
"You create your own universe as you go along."
Winston Churchill
"Everyone visualizes whether he knows it or not. Visualizing is the great secret of success."
Genevieve Behrend
"Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions."
Albert Einstein
"Whatever the mind can conceive it can achieve."
W. Clement Stone
"Success comes from within, not from without."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Ninety-nine percent of who you are is invisible and untouchable."
R. Buckminster-Fuller
"All power is from within and therefore under our control."
Robert Collier
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right."
Henry Ford
"The real secret of power is consciousness of power."
Charles Haanel
“An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill
“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.”
Ralph Marston
“For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.”
Winston Churchill
“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”
William James
“Man is what he believes.”
Anton Chekhov
“The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.”
Frank Lloyd Wright
“In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.”
John Lilly
“Some things have to be believed to be seen.”
Ralph Hodgson
“The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.”
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“There are admirable potentialities in every human being. Believe in your strength and your youth. Learn to repeat endlessly to yourself, 'It all depends on me.' “
Andre Gide
“Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.”
Arnold Bennett
“Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.”
Arnold Palmer
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.”
Samuel Johnson
“Act as if it were impossible to fail.” (My Favorite!!!)
Dorothea Brande
“Desire, ask, believe, receive.”
Stella Terrill Mann
“If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory.”
William Hazlitt
“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.”
Colin Powell
“Energy and persistence conquer all things.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”
Seneca
“Knowledge is power.”
Sir Francis Bacon
“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.”
Abraham Lincoln
“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”
Unknown
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.”
Samuel Johnson
“You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.”
Rosalynn Carter
“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.”
Oprah Winfrey
“When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things.”
Joe Namath
“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.”
Abraham Lincoln
“To follow, without halt, one aim: There's the secret of success.”
Anna Pavlova
“Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture... Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.”
Reggie Leach
“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”
Albert Einstein
“See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.”
Ralph Marston
“Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious.”
Bill Meyer
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.”
William James
“Success is due less to ability than to zeal.”
Charles Buxton
"The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur."
Vince Lombardi
"It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always."
Oprah Winfrey
"Vision is perhaps our greatest strength.. it has kept us alive to the power and continuity of thought through the centuries, it makes us peer into the future and lends shape to the unknown."
Li Ka Shing
"Continuous effort--not strength or intelligence--is the key to unlocking our potential."
Winston Churchill
"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
William Durant
“We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.”
Konrad Adenauer
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
Alex Karras
I-M-Possible!!!
“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.”
Mahatma Gandhi
“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”
W. Clement Stone
"Every thought of yours is a real thing---a force."
Prentice Mulford
"You create your own universe as you go along."
Winston Churchill
"Everyone visualizes whether he knows it or not. Visualizing is the great secret of success."
Genevieve Behrend
"Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions."
Albert Einstein
"Whatever the mind can conceive it can achieve."
W. Clement Stone
"Success comes from within, not from without."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Ninety-nine percent of who you are is invisible and untouchable."
R. Buckminster-Fuller
"All power is from within and therefore under our control."
Robert Collier
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right."
Henry Ford
"The real secret of power is consciousness of power."
Charles Haanel
“An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill
“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.”
Ralph Marston
“For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.”
Winston Churchill
“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”
William James
“Man is what he believes.”
Anton Chekhov
“The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.”
Frank Lloyd Wright
“In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.”
John Lilly
“Some things have to be believed to be seen.”
Ralph Hodgson
“The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.”
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“There are admirable potentialities in every human being. Believe in your strength and your youth. Learn to repeat endlessly to yourself, 'It all depends on me.' “
Andre Gide
“Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.”
Arnold Bennett
“Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.”
Arnold Palmer
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.”
Samuel Johnson
“Act as if it were impossible to fail.” (My Favorite!!!)
Dorothea Brande
“Desire, ask, believe, receive.”
Stella Terrill Mann
“If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory.”
William Hazlitt
“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.”
Colin Powell
“Energy and persistence conquer all things.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”
Seneca
“Knowledge is power.”
Sir Francis Bacon
“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.”
Abraham Lincoln
“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”
Unknown
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.”
Samuel Johnson
“You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.”
Rosalynn Carter
“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.”
Oprah Winfrey
“When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things.”
Joe Namath
“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.”
Abraham Lincoln
“To follow, without halt, one aim: There's the secret of success.”
Anna Pavlova
“Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture... Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.”
Reggie Leach
“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”
Albert Einstein
“See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.”
Ralph Marston
“Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious.”
Bill Meyer
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.”
William James
“Success is due less to ability than to zeal.”
Charles Buxton
"The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur."
Vince Lombardi
"It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always."
Oprah Winfrey
"Vision is perhaps our greatest strength.. it has kept us alive to the power and continuity of thought through the centuries, it makes us peer into the future and lends shape to the unknown."
Li Ka Shing
"Continuous effort--not strength or intelligence--is the key to unlocking our potential."
Winston Churchill
"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
William Durant
“We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.”
Konrad Adenauer
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
Alex Karras
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
We are set for lift off!
This past weekend I ventured out to California for my 20th high-school reunion. Friday night there was a meet up at the old pub we all used to hang out at - Hennesseys. I was kind of disappointed in this since I saw a lot of familiar faces, but only really knew a handful of people. And yes, there were some clicky girls that still snubbed their noses (kinda made me laugh - really? 20 years later your still a bitch??? wow...get over it!). Others I was pleasantly surprised with. Unfortunately, I could only recognize a few of the guys. I didn't hang out with most of them anyway so I guess it does not matter.
I was kinda over the reunion thing after Hennesseys and I really drug my feet about going on Saturday. In the end I figured it was only another 3 hours of my life and I could endure it. Wow...I am so glad that I went!!! I got to see some wonderful people that I had not talked to in years! Of course, I did not get to spend as much time with people as I had wanted to, but like I said - it was only three hours. By the end of the night my feet hurt from standing and my face hurt from smiling so much. I have rekindled some old friendships I thought lost long ago and I strengthened other friendships! Thanks to Amy, Maya, Karon and Danielle, along with everyone else the night turned from a "have to go" to a wonderful happy evening among good peeps (my husband hates it when I use that word!)!!!
Leaving Cali was very difficult on Sunday. I had such a good time I wanted another night of it. Plus, leaving my family is always difficult. This time, knowing that I probably won't be back for a long time really hit home. If I get pregnant, well - traveling is out for me. And then it will be a while before I can take a baby on the plane.
Which leads me to the Title of this post. This weekend I received a call from the Nurse. My donor is now ready!!! I go in tomorrow (Wednesday) to figure out the plan and get things started. I will be put on a strict schedule /calendar. I will have more information tomorrow!!! Woohooo!!!! Mr. Toads Wild Ride (That is a Disney Land reference for those non Californians) here we come!
I was kinda over the reunion thing after Hennesseys and I really drug my feet about going on Saturday. In the end I figured it was only another 3 hours of my life and I could endure it. Wow...I am so glad that I went!!! I got to see some wonderful people that I had not talked to in years! Of course, I did not get to spend as much time with people as I had wanted to, but like I said - it was only three hours. By the end of the night my feet hurt from standing and my face hurt from smiling so much. I have rekindled some old friendships I thought lost long ago and I strengthened other friendships! Thanks to Amy, Maya, Karon and Danielle, along with everyone else the night turned from a "have to go" to a wonderful happy evening among good peeps (my husband hates it when I use that word!)!!!
Leaving Cali was very difficult on Sunday. I had such a good time I wanted another night of it. Plus, leaving my family is always difficult. This time, knowing that I probably won't be back for a long time really hit home. If I get pregnant, well - traveling is out for me. And then it will be a while before I can take a baby on the plane.
Which leads me to the Title of this post. This weekend I received a call from the Nurse. My donor is now ready!!! I go in tomorrow (Wednesday) to figure out the plan and get things started. I will be put on a strict schedule /calendar. I will have more information tomorrow!!! Woohooo!!!! Mr. Toads Wild Ride (That is a Disney Land reference for those non Californians) here we come!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Maybe I was wrong?
I finally heard from my nurse and she gave me different information than what I was expecting. She told me that the facility I have chosen has an 80% pregnancy rate for my type of IVF. I then specifically asked for the stats on my age group and she assured me that those ARE the stats for my age group. Since I need a donor, my stats would be different than what you see on the web for generic IVF. And, since the majority of my type of IVF is in the age group of over 40, my stats are good!!!!
I love it when I am wrong! :)
I leave tomorrow night for California to visit my family and also attend my 20th High-school reunion. I am getting tired of these short trips. I would love to be able to spend some time out there and really get to visit my family along with many friends that I always seem to miss. But it is always nice to be able to see my family. Next month I will head to Michigan and spend a bit of time with my grandma.
Random thought: Have you ever taken a few strawberries, cut them up, and put them in a big glass of water. I have been doing that now for two days and I love it! I always do that with lemon, lime and cucumber. But I am loving the strawberries right now! The flavor of the water is great, plus it gives it a beautiful cheery color!
I love it when I am wrong! :)
I leave tomorrow night for California to visit my family and also attend my 20th High-school reunion. I am getting tired of these short trips. I would love to be able to spend some time out there and really get to visit my family along with many friends that I always seem to miss. But it is always nice to be able to see my family. Next month I will head to Michigan and spend a bit of time with my grandma.
Random thought: Have you ever taken a few strawberries, cut them up, and put them in a big glass of water. I have been doing that now for two days and I love it! I always do that with lemon, lime and cucumber. But I am loving the strawberries right now! The flavor of the water is great, plus it gives it a beautiful cheery color!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Statistics
I was doing a little research on line yesterday and found that I have been misled about my chances for IVF success. I am a fairly even keeled person but this really made me angry. There is nothing like having an anxiety attack at work and feeling lost over every decision I have made thus far.
I found that the facility I have chosen does not even rank in the top 20 in the United States, yet another facility in Houston is ranked number 7. The number one IVF facility in the nation is out of Oregon. I was told that my chances are as follows: National statistics are about 65%, but my facility is so successful that it is around 72%. This may actually be correct, however what they did not tell me was that for my age group it is only between 28% to 38% success rate. You can imagine my frustration going from having a 65% chance to a 28% chance - just weeks away from the procedures. Since my facility did not post their stats on the web, I emailed them yesterday and asked for them. I have yet to hear back, but I would expect them to comply. They have been very good with my care so far.
While this was a minor setback, I have decided not to let it change my mind or my thinking. If a spirit has chosen me and Kirk, then it will come, regardless of the stats. Sometimes I picture myself with a healthy uterus, ready for a baby. Other times I picture myself pregnant. I have many visions in my mind that help me stay on track and optimistic. Each morning, throughout the day and every night I say to myself (most of the time out loud) "I have a 100% chance of having happy healthy babies." I know this is helping me stay confident and focused.
Kirk left for offshore yesterday morning. Last night was my first night alone and I did not sleep very well. My plan was to get up early and go to the gym for a long swim. However, in the middle of the night I felt like I needed to take a long walk so I changed my mind and decided to hit the treadmill. When I actually got up to go - I went to take the dogs out and decided I needed to walk the dogs outside instead of the treadmill. So, we went for a long walk at 5:30 in the morning. It felt good to be with them and to feel the heat and humidity on me. I ended up going to the gym after that but found myself lost. I just wandered around for 30 minutes not doing anything. I finally got a good stretch and then went and sat in the steam room. It was a worthless trip, but I am still glad I got to spend the time this morning with my kiddos.
Since I don't feel like I got enough exercise, I will go to the pool tonight and swim. Then I will get up and do it all over again tomorrow morning. I need to get back into a routine.
I found that the facility I have chosen does not even rank in the top 20 in the United States, yet another facility in Houston is ranked number 7. The number one IVF facility in the nation is out of Oregon. I was told that my chances are as follows: National statistics are about 65%, but my facility is so successful that it is around 72%. This may actually be correct, however what they did not tell me was that for my age group it is only between 28% to 38% success rate. You can imagine my frustration going from having a 65% chance to a 28% chance - just weeks away from the procedures. Since my facility did not post their stats on the web, I emailed them yesterday and asked for them. I have yet to hear back, but I would expect them to comply. They have been very good with my care so far.
While this was a minor setback, I have decided not to let it change my mind or my thinking. If a spirit has chosen me and Kirk, then it will come, regardless of the stats. Sometimes I picture myself with a healthy uterus, ready for a baby. Other times I picture myself pregnant. I have many visions in my mind that help me stay on track and optimistic. Each morning, throughout the day and every night I say to myself (most of the time out loud) "I have a 100% chance of having happy healthy babies." I know this is helping me stay confident and focused.
Kirk left for offshore yesterday morning. Last night was my first night alone and I did not sleep very well. My plan was to get up early and go to the gym for a long swim. However, in the middle of the night I felt like I needed to take a long walk so I changed my mind and decided to hit the treadmill. When I actually got up to go - I went to take the dogs out and decided I needed to walk the dogs outside instead of the treadmill. So, we went for a long walk at 5:30 in the morning. It felt good to be with them and to feel the heat and humidity on me. I ended up going to the gym after that but found myself lost. I just wandered around for 30 minutes not doing anything. I finally got a good stretch and then went and sat in the steam room. It was a worthless trip, but I am still glad I got to spend the time this morning with my kiddos.
Since I don't feel like I got enough exercise, I will go to the pool tonight and swim. Then I will get up and do it all over again tomorrow morning. I need to get back into a routine.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Our IVF
First, I know I cannot have children on my own. In spite of my family telling me that I can, I have the scientific proof to back that I have less than a 1% chance. If I have a miracle baby, I have less than a 2% chance of carrying it to term. This all has to do with the flow of hormones from my pituitary gland in my head to and from my ovaries. In normal menopause, the two chemicals going back and forth between these organs slows down when eggs are no longer viable. In my case, the two are just not working together and one will fire off too much one week and then it will switch the next week. Not a single one of my extensive tests shows any type of pattern. They just fire willy nilly. So, without a true name for my crazy hormonal behavior they diagnosed me with peri-menopause (premature menopause). These hormones are vital for not only conceiving a child but also maintaining a healthy environment for their survival.
Now, say I did have healthy eggs and could get pregnant. Well, I mentioned in a previous post, I have one too many spacers on my DNA chain to have a healthy baby boy. This new technology is amazing. I can't remember the name of it at the moment. For some reason it always seems to slips my mind.
So, our choices are either go through with the IVF, or look into adoption. I will talk about our research in to adoption in another post. That seems to be a very long story - and unfortunately just as expensive as IVF. Right now, if I have the chance to bond with a baby by carrying it and it also share DNA with my husband, then I would rather try that first. After much research, and long talks with Kirk, we finally came to the conclusion that IVF is our fist priority. If that does not work, we will look further in to foster and adoption programs.
Step one - take all tests possible to make sure you are a candidate for IVF. Let me assure you that the costs of these tests are NOT included in the cost of the IVF program. The good news is that most of them are covered under medical insurance. However, once we truly enter the program, nothing further will be covered. It is out of our own pockets as well as being able to use the medical spending accounts through work. I think the decision to go through IVF was a no brainer for me. It was the monetary part that caused us the greatest amount of stress. And it is the main reason it took us over a year to finally go through with it.
Step two - choose a donor. I already explained this process earlier. I am pretty sure we picked a good one. She was not on the list the first time we looked and we were happy to see her. We had a huge problem with the list of donors. It was hard to choose one since we did not really like any of them. Now, I am not saying this was the case, but it appeared that they were there just to make money. Some even looked like they came from poverty and looked like they live a very hard life. Most were not educated, and I kid you not - could not even spell or form a structured sentance. I am a terrible speller so when I think someone is worse than me, I know there is a problem. Several did not bother to fill out the questionaire about family history or answer questions about themselves. And the cherry on top was the ones that posted ameture "sexy" photos of themseves.
Our top 4 were decent looking young woman that were either highly educated or highly articulate. All of them had some form of uniqueness to them that we liked. Then we went down to our top three and it was a tough decision from there. But the one we settled on as a top pick was a little gem. She appeared to be a well rounded, carismatic and compassionate person. Our number two pick was very comparable to #1, but she had blue eyes instead of hazel. If # 1 was not available we would hopefully get #2. #1 is ready and willing. Our start date is hopefully this week. She is supposed to start her cycle on August 3rd. Once she does, we go to a strict calendar. The whole process should take about 5-6 weeks.
Step three - that is where we are at right now. Once we start the process I will write more. Please keep us in your positive thoughts and prayers. We need all the help we can get!
Now, say I did have healthy eggs and could get pregnant. Well, I mentioned in a previous post, I have one too many spacers on my DNA chain to have a healthy baby boy. This new technology is amazing. I can't remember the name of it at the moment. For some reason it always seems to slips my mind.
So, our choices are either go through with the IVF, or look into adoption. I will talk about our research in to adoption in another post. That seems to be a very long story - and unfortunately just as expensive as IVF. Right now, if I have the chance to bond with a baby by carrying it and it also share DNA with my husband, then I would rather try that first. After much research, and long talks with Kirk, we finally came to the conclusion that IVF is our fist priority. If that does not work, we will look further in to foster and adoption programs.
Step one - take all tests possible to make sure you are a candidate for IVF. Let me assure you that the costs of these tests are NOT included in the cost of the IVF program. The good news is that most of them are covered under medical insurance. However, once we truly enter the program, nothing further will be covered. It is out of our own pockets as well as being able to use the medical spending accounts through work. I think the decision to go through IVF was a no brainer for me. It was the monetary part that caused us the greatest amount of stress. And it is the main reason it took us over a year to finally go through with it.
Step two - choose a donor. I already explained this process earlier. I am pretty sure we picked a good one. She was not on the list the first time we looked and we were happy to see her. We had a huge problem with the list of donors. It was hard to choose one since we did not really like any of them. Now, I am not saying this was the case, but it appeared that they were there just to make money. Some even looked like they came from poverty and looked like they live a very hard life. Most were not educated, and I kid you not - could not even spell or form a structured sentance. I am a terrible speller so when I think someone is worse than me, I know there is a problem. Several did not bother to fill out the questionaire about family history or answer questions about themselves. And the cherry on top was the ones that posted ameture "sexy" photos of themseves.
Our top 4 were decent looking young woman that were either highly educated or highly articulate. All of them had some form of uniqueness to them that we liked. Then we went down to our top three and it was a tough decision from there. But the one we settled on as a top pick was a little gem. She appeared to be a well rounded, carismatic and compassionate person. Our number two pick was very comparable to #1, but she had blue eyes instead of hazel. If # 1 was not available we would hopefully get #2. #1 is ready and willing. Our start date is hopefully this week. She is supposed to start her cycle on August 3rd. Once she does, we go to a strict calendar. The whole process should take about 5-6 weeks.
Step three - that is where we are at right now. Once we start the process I will write more. Please keep us in your positive thoughts and prayers. We need all the help we can get!
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