Memories

Life on Lupron has not been as bad as I thought it would be.  The shots are actually very easy and the mood swings are less than imagined.  I did have one day that made it hard to get out of bed.  But Kirk called and he put the smile back on my face with his dorkiness (something he will NEVER admit).  He likes to pretend that I am the only dork/nerd in this family.  I guess it is nice to be a dreamer!  :)

My brain does not seem to function as well on the Lupron.  I constantly have a dull headache.  Right now I can't even remember what I have written in the past so that I make sure not to re-write it!  Oh, well...bare with me.  I was under the impression that I would gain weight.  So far I have lost a few pounds and now I am holding steady.  Which means my fat-tastic clothes are being used as they should be.  I even got very upset one morning when I had planned on wearing a new pair of pants and a shirt to work and when I put them on I looked like I was wearing an over sized potato sack.  It took me 30 minutes to find something else to wear.  At least I know that I will get some use out of them once I actually get pregnant.  They will save me from having to go maternity clothes shopping for quite a while.  Of course I may be speaking too soon since I have not started the estrogen and progesterone yet. 

This last weekend I pulled out the progesterone syringes to see what they look like.  I almost fainted when I saw the needle.  It is about 4 inches long and really thick.  I know I am going to bleed.  If you don't already know, I get really ill at the site of blood.  I have a hard time with just a paper cut.  I may have to bring it in to work and have one of my coworkers give it to me.  I actually have a coworker that was a donor - many years ago.  So she is very familiar with everything I am doing and going through.  She is very nice and offered to help me when I need it.  I am going to have to take her up on that offer very soon.

Last night I was thinking of memories that I have where I see myself the happiest.  The one that came to me last night is very special.  I was in my early 20's studying for a semester in Oxford, England.  During Easter break I went with two other girls to Ireland and we backpacked up the West Coast.  At one point in the trip I had gotten seperated from them on a long windy road through the country on our way to The Cliffs of Moher.  We split up because we thought it might be easier to hitch a ride since we had already walked about 10 miles and were not even close to the Cliffs.  It was already mid afternoon and time was not on our side to get to a place to spend the night.  I remember it was a brilliant day.  The weather was in our favor, a bit chilled yet the sun was shining and kept us warm.  The road was windy and hilly - dotted with sheep farms.  It was just as you would imagine Ireland to be with little stone cabins and hand made fences, herds of sheep rolling with the green pastures.  At one point the beautiful picture all around me came to life when a sheep dog (you know, the black and white spotted ones you see in pictures) spotted me on the road.  I watched as he ran full force towards me.  I stopped dead in my tracks not knowing what to do, worried that I was about to be attacked.  As the dog approached, I could see his ears and tail were both up and not in an attack stance.  He greeted me with a little bark, and just took his place by my side as I continued to walk down the road.  We walked together along the road for about a half of a mile before he turned and headed back to his sheep.  It was one of the most perfect moments in my entire life.  Everything was perfect.  I was free.  The breath in my lungs was fresh.  The feeling in my heart made me feel like the happiest, most content person on the entire planet.  It was an incredible feeling that I cannot even describe.  I still feel that way today when I think of that incredible place.  For most it is a fairytale, but I actually had the opportunity to live it, even if it was only for a day. 

Memories like this keep my spirits up when I start feeling down.  Memories like, the day I stood and gave my life to my husband; listening to him tell me he finally has a nick name offshore - The tooth fairy, or telling me how he had down time when he was on the ocean bottom so he sang and did a little dance (I can actually picture him doing that!).  Or maybe it is the day I found Bailey and made him apart of the family, or the turtle I ran down the toll way to save.  How about the day that I got a call for the job I have now - I was not even looking and they found me - they wanted me  - at a time when I had just been disgarded from my previous job after 10 years of service and loyalty - I was wanted by somebody!  Life really does place miracles in my life all the time.  I am a very lucky woman to be who I am and where I am.  God really does LOVE me!