Great Expectations

It is over.  My test results came in on Friday as a Big Fat Negative (BFN).  I think it would have been easier on me if I knew it just didn't take.  But unfortunately I know better.  I carried it until either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.  When I woke up Wednesday something was different.  The cramps had completely disappeared.  Then by the afternoon I started getting cramps that made it hard to breathe.  I knew then that it was over but I did not want to believe it.  I kept telling myself that this was just the next phase. 

By Thursday I started to get scared so I took an at home test - BFN.  I cried the rest of the evening and all through the night.  Everyone I talked to said that those tests don't work like the blood tests and not to worry.  But I knew.  Friday morning was my blood test and of course I really was not shocked when the news came in.  But by then my head was swimming with defeat and failure that I could no longer function at work.  I took the rest of the day off to collect myself. 

Our baby lived 15 days from conception.  I guess he was just not strong enough.  He tried.  I tried.  But in the end it was just not enough.  Now comes the second hardest part for me.  My body has yet to release it.  It should be some time this week.  I know it is going to be very tough on me.  And in turn, it will make it tough on Kirk. 

Kirk finally got home last night.  It is such a relief to have him home.  Just to be held in his arms and feel his comfort is more than words can describe.

I had such great expectations for this IVF.  In my mind I was 100% sure it would work.  I did all the right things and kept my mind positive.  My body was healthy and strong.  I had just enough "cushion".  It could not have been a more perfect environment...at least that is what I thought.  I guess I will never know if there is more I could have done.  I am sure all of us that go through this feel this horrid pain of failure.  Not only did I fail me and this baby but I failed my husband.

We will go back to the doctor this week to hear him out, maybe see what other options we have.  Unfortunately, this one took more money than we had anticipated.  Going through it again would be financially impossible right now.

I guess the one thing good about losing a dream is that now you can start creating another dream.  Kirk and I will be okay in the end.  We are strong and the most important part is that we have each other.  We will find our next dream together and do our best, again, to make it come true.